It’s time…

4 Nov

…it’s that time again. I need to leave another piece of my heart at daycare, and head back to work.

It should be easier this time around.  I know Ben will be okay — they will hold him, hug him, rock him, feed him and quickly learn to love him.  I can look at Lucas and see just how okay Benjamin will be… more than okay really, he will be smart, funny, active, outgoing, social.

It should be easier – but that doesn’t mean it will be… he still seems so small and completely unaware.  The thought of him looking around for me during the day and not finding me cuts deep.  Imagining how blissfully unaware he’ll be that I’m walking out the door for 8+ hours and not 2.5 minutes feels like I’m deceiving him.

With Lucas, I was completely ready to be back at work, and eager to be challenging my brain yet again.  I craved adult conversation and creative thinking.  With Benjamin, I didn’t walk away from work as completely.  I’ve kept my toes dipped in the water and my brain buzzing from the comforts of home.  I have conference calls near daily and meetings with Ben propped on the conference room table.  It was an ideal maternity leave, and for that reason, it’s a bit harder to close the book.

I’ll be reminding myself regularly that this is a good thing.  I’m not working because I have to, I’m working because I want to.  I believe it’s the best thing for me and my family.  It makes me a better mother and wife to also be a business woman.  My boys are challenged and happy in many different environments.  They are given a chance to explore topics, crafts, books and social situations that I could not expose them to if I was home.  Perhaps most importantly, I love that I’m teaching them a lesson about smart women.  Women who can play integral roles in the lives of their children and household while also working.  I want them to respect and honor both genders in the workplace and grow up recognizing that women can offer just as much value at work as they can at home.  And that their father does the same — with both of us working there aren’t clear lines divided by gender roles in the house.  It’s just as likely that Daddy will be doing laundry as it is that Mommy will be coming home late from a business meeting, and vice versa.  Today is the beginning of teaching Benjamin this lesson – one that he’ll live daily from here on out.

But for today, it’s all talk.  My heart will hurt for my little guy as he adjusts to a completely new place.  My arms will ache to hold and rock him.  My eyes will miss his big wide smile and my ears will long for his coos.  I’ll be sending rays of strength and patience to his teachers as they help him acclimate to school, and I’ll be hoping with all my being that they become as enthralled with him as they were with his brother.

My special, sweet, happy little light — may you shine as bright and strong at school as you have at home.  May you know only love, smiles and happy chatter.  May you be intrigued and interested in all that goes on at school, and begin to make friends outside of our family.  May you know that I am thinking about you and counting the moments till we are all back together as a family.  May you soon realize that our time together is special, and we will work to make it that way every night and weekend.

Little Benny, you are so loved.  Mommy misses you.

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2 Responses to “It’s time…”

  1. Nan & Pops November 4, 2013 at 10:28 am #

    Jess-You are such a good Mom and Tim a wonderful Dad. Ben will be okay. He will thrive just as Luke has. It is time for Ben to share some of his smiles with others in this world. You have a very special family!

  2. GiGi November 5, 2013 at 6:06 pm #

    What a sweet little boy, he will thrive at day care just as his older brother has, be strong mama, the world belongs to your children!!!!!

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