6 Jul

This post could also be called “Mother’s Anxiety.”  Or, “Why I can’t sleep well anymore.” Or, “I’m tired.”  Take your pick.

Anyone else feel like they are living their life in a hamster wheel?  Running like mad during the week only to get to the weekend and be thrown from the wheel grabbing for a moment of sanity and calm?  If you don’t relate, move right along, this isn’t the post for you.

Life has been busy lately.  Work is constant, and our evenings are suddenly booked full of events – swim class, softball games, girl’s nights, BBQs and more.  I wouldn’t have it any other way.  I love the busy.  I’m so thankful when life interferes with the hamster wheel.  Or, should I say, when life adds grease to the wheel and we all need to run a little bit faster, but with a bigger smile on our faces.

I thought this level of busy would be great for my sleeping.  Luke’s now sleeping better (:::knocks for wood and ducks, sure that just writing this will guarantee a night of screaming and drama:::) – at least until 5am-ish on most days.  I imagined that the busier life got, the harder I’d hit the pillow at night and the easier I’d sleep.  But, oh no, enter mother’s anxiety and my feeling of sleeping through the night in shifts.

Here’s the routine:

– I sleep great till around 4:30am.  And, Tim will tell you, I’m oft asleep before him.
– Almost to the minute, I’m up at 4:30am, waiting for the chirping.  Wondering when the chirping will begin.  Worrying that if I fall back asleep, I won’t hear the chirping and the subsequent crying.  And, that the subsequent crying and yelling will wake Tim who needs his sleep since he goes to bed later than me and gets up earlier.
– Sometime around 5am, cue chirping.  I stumble out of bed and go bink the baby.  This is when I should fall back asleep.  But, I don’t.  In my head, it’s still my shift.  I’m on duty.
– My shift runs 4:30-6am on weekdays.  Tim gets up at 6am and I mentally punch out.  But, only for a short while, because Tim heads out for his daily walk with Tali at 6:30 and my crazy brain automatically punches back in.
– 6:45am the bundleroo begins yelling – this time urgently – he’s spent the past fifteen minutes silently pooping and he can’t stand the smell any longer, it seems. I can’t blame him.  That shit stinks.  Pun intended.

So, yes, I’m whittling away a good two hours of sleep by anxiously worrying about the baby and if/when he’ll need me.  All part of being a mother, I guess, but I sure do miss my sleep.  I’d like to punch back out for one full night/morning, but I imagine that will wait for when I’m out of town.  And, then, I’ll be up wondering what he’s doing at home, right?  Ahhh, life on the clock.


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