Inadequate

11 Mar

<<Upfront note:  I am not posting this to get all kindsa “you aren’t inadequate” responses.  Seriously.  This is a post from Luke’s Mama to fictional, KUed, future Jess. In fact, it’s probably best to skip this post and its pathetic woe is me nature.>>

I never, ever thought I’d be this mom.  N.E.V.E.R.

Moms who flipped out at the thought of giving formula.  Moms who were so uber-committed to breastfeeding that they went to super extremes to keep whipping out the boob and feeding their kid (okay, I’m still not that mom, as I refuse to take this and smell like maple syrup all the time.  I am not a pancake.).

I hate breastfeeding (as noted herehere, oh and here too).  But, You know what I hate more than breastfeeding…. failure, and I fear that we’ve got a failure to perform situation here.  The boobs are finally in revolt.  They are done being the sole source of nourishment for this baby.

For the past two weeks, Luke has been HUNGRY.  Ravenous even.  I chalked it up to the three month growth spurt.  He was eating often (like every 1.5-2 hours during the day) and for longer sessions.  Worse, he seems unhappy while eating much of the time.  He arches his back, groans and moans, pops off and on – I’m expecting him to create picket signs soon. However, I’m not seeing any signs of this “growth spurt” ending; leading me to believe that my girls are in a production strike and my son isn’t getting all that he needs.

Logically, I know this should make me happy. I’ve wanted to stop breastfeeding more times than I can count.  But, instead, I just feel inadequate.

I have completely resisted giving him a few ounces of formula.  Firmly believing in the “supply and demand” hocus pocus that the boob genies sell. But, tonight, I don’t think we will have a choice (unless I defrost some frozen breast milk which I’ve already done twice this week to avoid this scenario).  I’ve only been able to pump 3.5 ounces during two separate pumping sessions, and Bundles drinks 5-6 in one shot.

I feel like I owe him an apology.  He’s thriving and happy.  I’m scared that will all change once we introduce formula.  I’m scared he’ll miss the connection with Mama (and me with him) when he’s already full-steam ahead towards major life change #1 when I go back to work.

I am an inadequate, boob failure.

I’m sorry, baby.

 

 

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2 Responses to “Inadequate”

  1. Teresa March 11, 2011 at 11:27 am #

    Welcome to mother’s guilt Jess.
    It is an unwelcome part of motherhood and completely self inflicted. We all do it. It is ridiculous!!!

  2. Mariah March 15, 2011 at 12:04 am #

    I’m a boob failure too. That whole supply and demand deal? Yeah right. I’m not a believer. The double pumping to convince my body I needed to feed twins? It’s a good thing I didn’t have twins is all I can say! You’re not alone!

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